Usherette (Lips):
Michael Rennie was ill
The Day the Earth Stood Still
But he told us where we stand.
And Flash Gordon was there
In silver underwear,
Claude Rains was the Invisible Man.
Then something went wrong
For Fay Wray and King Kong;
They got caught in a celluloid jam.
Then at a deadly pace
It Came From... ["where?"] Outer Space.
And this is how the message ran:

Science fiction, double feature
Doctor X will build a creature.
See androids fighting Brad and Janet
Anne Francis stars in Forbidden Planet
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh
At the late night, double feature, picture show.

Excerpts from the BeastEnders Episodes


The Count and Countess are falling over bodies while the erstwhile Inspector Judy Armour is convinced the Silence of the Lambs comes into it somewhere. Of course, Riffraff, the butler, did it...


Lolita tries to squirm out of the handcuffs, but stops when she notices RIffraff's well muscled body.....

"Sing it, Riff Raff!"

The darkness must go down the river of night's dreaming.
Flow morphia slow, let the sun and light come streaming
Into my life. Into my life...


Riffraff is caught having sex with a vacuum cleaner and the giant Spider gets turned into a giant Chicken by a raving MAD professor...


..While Jenny in a fit of jealous rage, when she sees Magneta "get down to it" with Riffraff, threatens to make sure the Count and Countess will never see Evilsonofthecountandcountess again...


Meanwhile, Jenny's love affair with Riffraff progresses at frightening speed. Publicly declaring her loathing for Riffraff, she lets herself be handcuffed and mistreated by him. Twice.

Master, Rocky has broken his chains and vanished. Your new playmate is loose and somewhere on the grounds...Magenta has just released the dogs...


Jenny is desperate because Riffraff has her manacled to the 4 poster bed in the guest room... and she forgot to take her pill. She realises that her dream of having Riffraff's children has suddenly become a near reality (dare I say virtual). Riffraff on the other hand is ecstatic as he's finally found someone to share his passion of shiny objects and handcuffs...


The Inspector - or is it her twin, Traci? - is still spreadeagled on the bed, about to be ravaged again by Riffraff, and panicking because she hasn't taken her pills..... Evildaughter shows up, and for some inexplicable reason, Riffraff thinks she has a soft-spot for him. Amid all sorts of inexplicable chaos, there is a lot of falling around, and somehow the Countess manages to fall on top of Riffraff, much to his interest and her disgust.


Magenta cavorts with everyone in reach, except Riffraff, who is busy prentending to be a serious visitor to MicroBiz.

It's astounding..
Time is fleeting..
Madness takes its toll..
But listen closely...

Not for very much longer..

I've got to keep control..
I remember doing the time-warp
Drinking those moments when..
The darkness would hit me

And a void would be calling...

Let's do the time-warp again..
Let's do the time-warp again..


Scarlet_O_tear, the long lost sister of the Salesman arrives, and looks at the empty bed and Riffraff, with considerable interest. Riffraff is distracted by this alluring newcomer, and Jenny uses this to her advantage, managing to take Riff's clothes off to cover herself with, and then sneaks off with New Age Freak.... Riffraff and Scarlet get pretty friendly , and go about allegedly looking for the missing Salesman, in one of the dungeons. A dungeon that just happens to have a nice comfy pile of straw......


Meanwhile, Loulou is busy piercing all the fleshy protruberances she can find on Riffraff's body... Riffraff is in ectasy.

It's just a jump to the left.
And then a step to the right.
With your hands on your hips.

You bring your knees in tight.
But it's the pelvic thrust
That really drives you insane.

Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.


Riffraff gets so excited at the ongoing activity, that he 'accidentally' falls on Jenny, and somehow manages to handcuff her to the 4 poster bed again.


Meanwhile the Countess's pet Bat has been fluttering around, and made a mess of her dress, so Riffraff wanders over and helps her to remove the ruined clothing....


Something is in the air tonight....Jenny and the Knight are getting really cosy; Jenny's Evil twin arrives... Magenta is disappointed; Riffraff keeps making rude suggestions; Riffraff and Magenta get cosy...


Riffraff finally notices that several codpieces are missing from the castle armoury, and wonders what has happened to them - accusing the Countess of stealing them (a rather novel idea, considering that they belong to her anyway). The Countess, of course, claims to be innocent, and is saved from further interrogation when Lolita arrives to 'distract' Riffraff.

Master, master...we have a visitor.


Riffraff organises a wet T-Shirt contest.


A once again naked Jenny, searching desperately for something to cover herself, takes inspiration from Ancient Egypt, and wraps herself up in toilet paper. This leaves Riffraff somewhat in the lurch, so he embarks on his own search for waste paper.


Meanwhile, Riffraff has followed Alienfiend to his spaceship, asking to use the toilet. While in there he spots a marvellous new shiny object. Somehow, he seems to think it makes up for the lack of meaning in his life and starts to worship it. He declares himself the High Priest of his new religion, the Church of the Latter Day Sinners, based on freedom through Beastliness and handcuffs.... making Magenta's good twin as his new High Priestess.

Ahhhh! I grow weary of this world! When shall we return to Transylvania, huh?


Riffraff's mental state becomes even more unbalanced, and he starts singing, which does not endear him to the threesome still trapped in the closet. Nor does his ranting and raving endear him to Johnny Devotee. Feeling divine inspiration, Riffraff decides to baptise his new congregation...


The Countess is disturbed by Riffraff who asks to borrow the gown she's wearing for the next baptism, just the kind of thing Riffraff asks every day, so without another word, she quickly changes into a rather fetching, barely-there, off the shoulder little black number, with matching stilettos, then hands the old dress to Riffraff..


Who is the father of Jenny's baby?... Riffraff, Knight?, New Age Freak?, Alienfiend?!?!


Another fight breaks out as Johnny Devotee and Riffraff start arguing over Magenta's unconscious body. A viscious tug o' war follows as they both try to drag her off to 'revive' her.

A decision had to be made.

.......may NEVER be updated.........

The Cast of Thousands
...many Missing in Action...
...or just gone AWOL...


Eviem Countess_evie
Hart Count_hart
Cricket Jenny_armour
Nancy Magenta
Chip Alienfiend
Loulou as herself
Traci Jennys_evil_twin
Susie Eviems_evil_twin
Brighteyes Evil_daughter
Cinderella Evil_shadow
Judie Scarlet_o_tear
Sweetlips Traveller
Minx Lolita
Baal as himself
Thor as himself
Albie Riffraff
Noxas Salesman, New_age_freak,
Noxas Knight_good, Heckler
Arclight Count_raffaele, who knows?

Science Fiction
Double Feature.
Frank has built and
Lost his creature.
Darkness has conquered
Brad and Janet.
The servants gone to
A distant planet.
Wo, oh, oh, oh.
At the late night, double feature,
Picture show.
I want to go, oh, oh, oh.
To the late night, double feature,
Picture show.

The Complete Works at
The Official BeastEnders Homepage


Special thanks to TRHPS

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